Living To 100 and Growing up....

I say this with much belief and commitment as if I know, know what you may ask? Know that I have the desire to want to live to 100. Oh yes I did say 100, I am 51 years old and it seems I have just woken up! Where was I all those years, how did I lose myself, where did I go? All honest questions and I'm sure I am not the first to ask them?

But one day it hit me all of a sudden, I was standing still while the whole world was passing me by! I thought everything was just fine, even though in the back of my head I knew, I felt something was terribly wrong. But I am exactly where God wants me to be, is what I would tell myself! Then again what if I am not, this went on for many many years...Then one day FB arose, that's when it hit me. It was as if a brick was thrown at my head, wow what a headache I got! The thinking began, too much thinking...Let me say without going into detail, which would be unfair. I do believe people have the right to defend themselves..so with that being said, I will move past all the hoopla of me not being happy! I realised I was still a child, not very grown up at all? I was frozen in time..living out the grown up life, but not really capable of making a grown up decision..smart yes..ok..my opinion..but a good one..lol. Had lots of knowledge on a variety of things..taking care of people, kids, grand kids, husband, everyone but me! Hey I can fix most appliances and know a lot about them? I can run an appliance store, sales, service, customer relations, But it's not the life I choose, I wanted so much more..I wanted to be a writer..a journalist..publish my novels..but I just disappeared..I took on someones vision of whom I should be. I am not saying that there were not good times, that would be a lie, I am not saying that I regret my life, I have 5 wonderful children and lots of grandchildren to show for it. But it wasn't the life I choose or feel God choose for me. I feel that was taken away, and I want a chance to have it back..

I allowed someone else to make all the decisions for me; to control me, and I was just as much to blame as they were. I now want to grow up and take my life back, I want to do all the grown up things I never did...I want to experience life.. I want to make my own choices whether right or wrong, or as many times as I may mess up I want to be in control of me...No, not a mid life crisis as you may think..and what if it is..its still my life? Okay, I get it, why all the drama you may be asking? Well, its because I am fighting good vs evil..or so I have been told..I have also had good friends tell me no such thing? So, who's right only God knows in the end..and if I am wrong then that's between me and my God.

For the most part I thought I was happy; I assumed all relationships were similar especially the religious ones! Now leaving out all the drama again that I would have to go into, and all the pain that has, and is still going on, of course by me thinking too much! I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want to live and be (me) happy, not someones version of what happiness is for me. If that makes any sense at all to you? I am fast forwarding so you don't get caught up in a whirl wind of a storm! Those that are close know the real true details, but its not even about that anymore, I have forgiven and am trying very hard to let go! However, it has gone way past that!

I have found peace in myself a true happiness that I didn't know existed, I like me I love me, I am not saying I don't love my family or my extended family, but I have to do whats right for me or I will never even come close to living to 100. This may sound selfish to some, as I have received much flack. The repercussions have been unbearably painful. There have been days I just want to throw in the towel...crawl into bed and stay there, but then a overwhelming feeling of sickness comes over me..and at that very moment I know the answer! I have to fight for what I want or give up, settle and most likely die young!

My heart breaks each and every day, knowing that I am hurting the ones I love, and the ones that love me! But there is not much I can do about it, and as God loves us all, each and everyone of us! He would no more want to see a child of his hurt and suffer, than any parent would theirs!
Living to 100 is a goal I must try to obtain, or die trying! I have missed so much of my life and have so many dreams, plans. Even if they seem unrealistic, they are mine and only mine! I feel like I have to hold on to something, or I will disappear! Some say you can still do all these things with out changing your life, I can't, I am not where I belong! My heart is gone it left a long time ago, and that I am so sorry for!

It seems I am sorry all the time anymore, and that is not fair to myself! If it were not for a very dear friend I would not have made it this far. I had become very ill over the past 5 months and already had asthma problems..which just exasperated the health issues.. I am just now gaining a few lbs and clinging to my life...I do love all my children and grand children and I do love my husband and have forgiven him..as I hope he can forgive me one day! I don't want to be enemies and I know that is unrealistic of me. I just want to live my life...is that really such a bad thing..I gave myself to my husband and my children and tried very hard to make the marriage last a life time..to death do us part! But now I am ready to move on...one doesn't change because they are forced to, they change because they want to! I gave 33 years patiently waiting and baring all I could..I am sorry if it wasn't enough, its enough for me. May I live to 100 to find what ever it is I am looking for and if I am wrong then so be it!

I make no apologies anymore to anyone, I shouldn't have to be sorry for wanted to live my own life! As much or as little that there is left..I don't want guilt or religion to try and convenience me of anything, I know in my heart what I want and need. I also know my God is a loving God and would not punish me for my choices in my life..with that being said I can now move forward..God Bless each and every one of my family and friends..and as much as some will curse FB and say it is the reason I am doing this...God speaks to us in many different ways..and reveals himself to us in ways we can't explain..FB was just a way to communicate..and express myself..so I thank you all for putting up with all the drama of my life...I thank those who always supported me and stood by me and continue to! Right or wrong this is my decision and only mine to make...love you all...living to 100

Till I FB again...ttys...Donna
Copyright 11/23/10 Donna L. Maholage